Harry Smith is the faithful but dimwitted assistant to Colin Blaze. Some say Harry’s mind is tuned to simple ideas that smart people overlook. Others suggest that Harry’s mind moves too slowly for complex thoughts. Whatever the truth, Harry appears to live in a different kinder world. Be the client a yeti, a space alien, a ghost, a wizard, or a pair of time travellers, to Harry, they are just people and should be offered a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Harry is kind, happy to help, and has a uniquely simple perspective that sometimes inspires others to see things slightly differently.
Harry always did seem impervious to the strange goings-on around him. One overcast Tuesday, he set out to buy a box of tea and a pint of milk for the office. This just so happened to take place during a mostly unobserved and short-lived invasion from space.
After it was all over, all Harry would say on the matter was three things – it was jolly shocking that it took two hours to pop to the shop, he was annoyed he did not think to pick up a packet of hobnobs, and Susan Miles probably should not be allowed to keep an unregistered minigun.
Will someone please tell us the story of that odd day?
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Of all the Colin Blaze writing prompts, these are my picks for the first season were Colin Blaze to be picked up by The BBC, Netflix, Amazon Prime, or any other maker of TV series.
Here, in the rough order I would set for the 12 episode first season box set, are my picks for Colin Blaze Season One. (First a list, then the summaries)
A quick list for lazy readers
Pilot: The Vampire, The Werewolf, and the YetiColin Blaze and the complexity of historyThe case of the runaway kingThe strange case of the man with a dogThe day Maggie Jones was kidnapped(mid-season cliffhanger episode) A box of tea and a pint of milk(resolve story) Arrested on suspicion of possession of kittensColin Blaze: Double TroubleColin Blaze and the pixies of the thirteenth centuryColin Blaze and the Magical MaladyColin Blaze and the stolen memoriesColin Blaze and the curse breakerUK series tend to run for 6 episodes so I’ve picked a cliffhanger that should resolve quickly into the next episode. For the first 6 episodes, I have picked stories that showcase each of the central characters. Those being Colin, Maggie, and Harry.
Colin Blaze: Season one: Full season breakdown
I’m picturing the series as running largely episodically but with threads and character arcs that are woven throughout such that later episodes have been foreshadowed and so that no characters arrive for the benefit of the episode (except most clients).
Most episodes should feature Maggie Jones in the role of Colin Blaze’s probation officer. This can allow us to show a normal person seeing a drunk, homeless, nutter rambling about fictional things. At the same time, Blaze can use this time to try and work through some ideas and workshop them with Maggie. We should definitely have Maggie track Blaze done at the worst possible moment.
The Vampire, The Werewolf, and the Yeti
Cold open. We jump into a story where Blaze can really dig into the weirdness of his life. We open on Blaze dressed in the typical long coat with a turned-up collar. We see the red and blue of police lights. It is unclear if Blaze is a police detective or not. We pan to show a bizarre ritual site.
A witch – with the whole works, big nose, pointed hat, black dress, etc. – is being escorted from the scene in handcuffs.
Blaze: This sure is a strange one.
Police Officer: You can say that again, Blaze.
Witch: Strange? I’ll give you strange Colin Blaze. I curse you to only have cases so strange no sane person will ever believe a word you say. You’re done blaze. You hear me? Done. You’ll quit this inside of a year.
The witch continues to babble and yell as she is placed into a police car.
We cut to Blaze looking hungover in his office. That same coat (now rougher looking) is hanging up nearby. Thus begins the case of The Vampire, The Werewolf, and the Yeti. We roll the intro sequence.
Colin Blaze and the complexity of history
Here we get to witness the curse in action. Not even Blaze is sure if he works for the police or is independent. This episode plays with that but should leave the audience non-the wiser. This is because this point should remain ambiguous. We can also play this for laughs while Blaze investigates the police chief and why this man still remembers Blaze while at the same time Blaze tries to hand in paperwork to people who have no idea who Blaze is. That and the paperwork included a yeti and is mistaken for a prank.
This is where we learn of the cold-blooded serial killer that Colin will largely fail to track for the next few episodes.
The case of the runaway king
This is where we can allow our writers and costume department to go bonkers. This episode is where we go full Neverwhere for an episode. We could even shoot on video (rather than film) for a more found footage approach.
Blaze should encounter a clue that ties back to the cold-blooded serial killer that he is unable to follow up on right then.
If we can get Neil Gaiman to write this one all the better.
The strange case of the man with a dog
This is an episode that can be played a number of different ways. I’m thinking strange man average dog so that Colin spends the episode looking for weird stuff and not finding it. Thus Harry, though rather dim, eventually finds the lost dog.
Blaze should keep finding clues about the cold-blooded serial killer but fail to follow them as he looks for the weirdness about this perfectly ordinary dog.
This episode should start with Maggie trying to get hold of Blaze and failing. It should end with her being grabbed.
The day Maggie Jones was kidnapped
We open on the reprise of the last episode where Maggie Jones is kidnapped. She has been snatched by a refugee wizard on the run from the time police. Maggie Jones wonders if she is in the right job. Not to mention entertaining the nation that Blaze is telling the truth.
This is an episode that can go full-on over-the-top doctor who with running around, spells, time shenanigans, and the like.
The time-travelling wizard is trying to stop an invasion from space. We end on an overcast Tuesday with no tea in the office kitchen due to some spell flinging prior to the resolve. The time police point out that everything has been changed now – also they have no memory of any invasion. The wizard is carted away through a time portal.
As we fade to credits we settle on Harry.
Harry: I’ll just pop out and get some more tea, boss.
Steven Moffit would be a great choice to write this episode.
A box of tea and a pint of milk
This is Harry’s episode. It takes place over two hours. We open in a brightly lit supermarket. Harry is doing perfectly ordinary shopping. We end up at the checkout. The checkout assistant is Susan Miles. She’s bored. Not for long though as they are both “beamed up” to an invading spaceship.
This is a mostly unobserved and short-lived invasion from space. Harry manages to escape by meandering at his usual pace, going to retrieve his shopping from the cargo bay, and generally missing all the action as the invaders misunderstand what he is doing.
Although this is a Blaze light episode, we should cut to him investigating the giant thing in the sky and wondering if it has anything to do with the pixie sightings. Blaze is followed by increasing numbers of police.
In the process, Susan Miles escapes and is recaptured but not before she collects an unregistered minigun. Things go badly for the invaders – mostly because Miles could not hit the broad side of a super-sized mega freighter. No deaths are inflicted at all but the ship takes some nasty damage. The invaders assume that Harry is some sort of mastermind. They leave in a hurry.
Harry finds himself back in London and complains that it was jolly shocking that it took two hours to pop to the shop. Then he gets annoyed that he did not think to pick up a packet of hobnobs. Finally, he shuffles back to the office grumbling that Susan Miles probably should not be allowed to keep an unregistered minigun.
As we fade to credits, the police approach blaze to arrest him.
Arrested on suspicion of possession of kittens
Cold open. Blaze is in Hyde Park looking for pixies. We reuse some of the footage from the “meanwhile with Colin Blaze” moments from the last episode.
We continue until Blaze is arrested on suspicion of possession of kittens. Stunned, Blaze goes with the police officers willing. We fade to the opening sequence.
After the opening sequence, we learn that Blaze is once again going head to head with the time police. The day gets weirder as Blaze is accused of things he has not done. A lot of which seems to consist of jumping through realities. We learn that there are other versions of Earth and travelling between them is strictly prohibited.
After a comedy of errors like episode, the time police realise they have the wrong guy.
Colin is let go only to see another him running away. He gives chase as we fade to credits.
Colin Blaze: Double Trouble
We cold open on Blaze chasing the other him. Blaze is out of shape and the other him is soon lost.
After the credits, we find Blaze at his cold-blooded serial killer clue board. He is finally able to follow up on this case.
Blaze leaves to go to the scene of one of the murders and is stopped by the other him.
Alt Blaze: You have to help me. Uh. I assume you understand the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics and how multi-world entanglement works because I can’t get back to my world without a lot of help.
Blaze: The what? Never mind, come with me.
It soon becomes apparent that everything they try and everywhere they go, things just sort of fall into place. Banking on this sudden luck, Blaze attempts to solve the murder case while stringing along the other him. We tangle with luckless time police and eventually get the name of the killer and – by happy coincidence – a way back home for alt Blaze.
As we fade to credits, two worried-looking pixies show up.
Pixie #1: We’ve heard you were looking for us?
Colin Blaze and the pixies of the thirteenth century
The pixies from the last episode’s end need Blaze’s help to save their portal.
It turns out, developers have purchased a small tract of land and plan to put a tall and expensive residential tower on it. If that happens the pixies will be cut off from their portal back to the thirteenth century.
Can Blaze save the pixies’ time portal? This time he is up against normal people with normal eyesight and lots of money. All Blaze has is a half-eaten apple, a broken toothpick, and his dim-witted assistant, Harry.
In this episode, we get to do Leverage/Hustle hommage as Colin attempts to trick rich people into changing their plans. We call back to characters last seen in episodes 1 and 3 to flesh out the grifters for this plan.
It turns out that there never was a time gate in trouble, the pixies are just trouble makers.
By the end of the story, Blaze has been dumbed in ice-cold water many times. As we fade to credits he starts sneezing and sparks fly out of his nose.
Colin Blaze and the Magical Malady
Blaze has the magical flu. This leads to lots of problems when his client is an exceedingly wealthy wizard. The wizard specialises in anti-curse charms but has had his magic stolen. If Blaze can solve the case in time, the wizard promises to help Blaze with his curse problem.
If only the mischievous pixies would leave him alone.
Blaze manages to help the wizard who turns out to be a con artist. Blaze is implicit in theft. He has no idea what was stolen or from whom. The wizard tells Blaze that there is a real person called the Curse Breaker. As we close to credits we see the con-wizard capture the pixies.
Colin Blaze and the stolen memories
Blaze is been offered an obscene pile of cold harsh cash to recover a stolen item. That item, it turns out, is the memories of an eccentric recluse who claims (tattered clothes to the contrary) to be the richest man in the world by ten orders of magnitude.
Now Blaze knows what was stolen and must track down the con-wizard. You need a con to catch a con so blaze puts the grifter team back together.
We end with the wizard in handcuffs, the rich man with his memories back, a pile of cash, and a clue to the Curse Breaker.
Colin Blaze and the curse breaker
We open with a reprise of the end of the last episode. We run the theme music and opening titles over a montage of Blaze working harder than we have ever seen him work.
Every time Blaze tries to track down the Curse Breaker, some urgent problem crops up that he has to take care of first. Blaze has started to suspect that his curse is trying to protect itself. We end with Blaze no closer to finding the curse breaker but in a dire situation with no apparent way out. We roll credits and hope to get renewed for a second season.
If you work for a TV company or a well-connected agent – call me.
Your thoughts?
So what did you think of my picks for season one? Would you have chosen different Colin Blaze stories? Gone for 24 episodes? Or something else?
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